Bend and not Break
by diabolikal rapture
Summary: Grissom returns to Sara's apartment at the end of shift in Nesting Dolls GSR


**Title: **Bend and not Break

**Author:** Diabolikal Rapture / Britt

**Summary: **Grissom returns to Sara's apartment at the end of shift in Nesting Dolls...

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the characters, any storylines etc of CSI. The small piece reproduced sceneat the start ofthis fic was written by Sara Goldfinger, not me. Title and lyrics used within are by Dashboard Confessional, rad band. Check em out if you haven't already.

**A/N:** I've found my muse today in the form of DC. Listening to my fav songs, inspired me with a bunch of ideas, this is only one. I'm not great at writing anything NC-17, otherwise that's what this would be. Instead, just somethin nice for GSR's. I hate how I can never write anything short and condensed...dammit. Lemme know what you think!

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**Bend and not Break**

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**Sara:** I do remember the looks. I became the girl whose father was stabbed to  
death. Do you think there's a murder gene? 

**Grissom:** I don't believe that genes are a predictor of violent behavior.

**Sara: **You wouldn't know that in my house. The fights, the yelling, the trips  
to the hospital. I thought it was the way that everybody lived. When my mother  
killed my father, I found out that it wasn't.

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Grissom replayed everything that had just happened in his mind, over and over. He hated leaving her, but she'd insisted that he'd leave her, as long as he'd return later. He couldn't persuade her to let him stay, she was too stubborn. So he left, and went back to see Ecklie to sort it all out. He wouldn't fire her. He couldn't fire her, and he knew that Ecklie wouldn't either. He felt as though he understood Sara so well now, and why she was the way she was...He was grateful that she had chosen him to confide in. He just hated the circumstances...Shift would end soon, and soon he'd be able to return to her side if she needed him, or even if she didn't.

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Grissom quickly left work as soon as shift had finished, and went straight back to where he'd promised to be, right by Sara's side. That's what she wanted, he wondered if it was what she needed, him being by her side, there to comfort her, tell her that everything would be okay... But that wasn't him, he wouldn't tell her lies, he wouldn't try to give her a philosophical reason for why her life had gone the way it had. He respected her way too much to do that. He breathed out heavily as he took gripped onto the steering wheel. His mind was racing, thoughts all relating to Sara. _"She's all yours..." _Ecklie's words echoed through his mind and he shook them away. He wasn't going to take advantage of her. Again his respect for her prevented him from even entertaining any such possibility. He was her boss, her friend, someone she could count on and confide in, not someone who'd blatantly take advantage of the situation.

Grissom shook his head as he pulled out onto the street, heading for Sara's apartment. He was obsessing. His thoughts were distracting him, overwhelming him. He didn't even have to think about the route to Sara's place, it was as though it was programmed directly into his mind, and he was on autopilot. He pulled into the curb and drew in a deep breath. He needed to be there, for her. He wasn't so great with humans, at least the kind that breathed anyway. He made his way to her front door, and gently, he tapped on the door.

He heard the clang of beer bottles hitting the floor and muffled swearing as Sara made her way to the door. After the clicking of the lock, the door swung open, and there she stood. She smiled, a sincere smile. A smile that brought warmth to him, knowing all that she'd been through.

"You came back." She almost beamed as she moved aside to allow him to enter.

"I said I would..." He trailed off as he passed her and noted the large number of beer bottles that had now accumulated in her living room. He shook it from his mind, _that_ wasn't her problem.

She took a seat on the couch, her smile quickly fading, as though sitting there in the same position they had been in before had brought back the memory of their conversation. Grissom studied her features, and frowned at the sudden change. He knew how hard it must be. In their line of work, witnessing murders, rapes, almost every day. It wasn't exactly the easiest career. And they were simply the outsiders, looking in on the lives of those who had been cut short. But Sara wasn't as lucky as he, or many of her colleagues were.

Sara realised that she was being watched, and blushed. Grissom cleared his throat and diverted his attention to the coffee table covered in various magazines and catalogues.

"Do you want to go for a walk?" Sara asked out of the blue.

"Sure." Grissom almost hesitantly replied. He wasn't expecting her to want to leave her apartment.

They left the apartment and slowly strolled down the apartment. Sara was talking about something she'd just read in the latest journal she'd received. Grissom was concerned for her, still wondered what she was thinking, feeling. She was distracting herself, distancing herself like she had always done, emersing herself in work so that nothing else could enter her mind.

_I catalog these steps now  
Decisive and intentioned  
precise and patterned specifically to yours.  
I'm talented at breathing  
Especially exhaling  
So that my chest will rise and fall with yours_

Sara wondered what he was thinking. His heart obviously wasn't in the conversation. She wondered what had happened with Ecklie, did Grissom save her job? She couldn't have cared less hours earlier, but now, once she had calmed down, she realised how important her job was to her. Not just being a CSI, but working there, in Las Vegas, surrounded by her friends...and Grissom. She didn't want to ask him about Ecklie. She was afraid of what the conversation might lead to. They stopped talking and continued their walk in silence. She looked down at the ground in front of her, noticing that they were walking in time, stride for stride. She smiled. They soon finished their walk around the block and returned to her apartment.

They returned to the familiar position on her couch, and silence fell over the apartment. She desperately wanted to say what was on her mind, but she couldn't. She wouldn't let herself fall apart, not again. She felt safe around Grissom, but a part of her hated him seeing her that way. Unsure of what she should say, she remained quiet. She shifted her weight.

"How are you?" He asked, realising how stupid the question sounded.

"Fine." She replied simply.

"Sara..."

"I'm ok, I just needed to let it out before. Now I just, I don't want to be alone..." She trailed off as she leant on one arm and looked over at Grissom.

Grissom studied her eyes. It appeared as though she hadn't slept in days, but that wasn't anything abnormal for Sara. Before he even contemplated his actions, he slid across the couch closer to her, and placed his arm around her shoulder. Sara leant into him, resting her head on his shoulder. She suddenly realised how tired she was. Tired of everything. She gently drifted off to sleep, leaving Grissom alone with his thoughts. He'd never really felt this way, unable to think of something to say, anything to keep some kind of conversation going. He was glad that she was asleep. She needed the rest, and he needed the time to gather his thoughts. He breathed in the scent of her hair, and couldn't help but gently brush the few strands from her face as she slept. He slightly shifted his weight, trying to get into a more comfortable position without waking her. He soon found himself battling sleep.

_I'm careful not to wake you  
Fearing conversation  
It's better just to hold you  
And keep you pacified _

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Grissom awoke to the sound of the phone. He gently slid his arm from beneath the still sleeping Sara and gently lay her down on the couch. He quietly made his way to the phone, though it stopped before he could answer it. He sighed, and looked down at his watch, 1pm. He entered Sara's kitchen, and surprisingly found everything with ease. Everything, from the coffee to the coffee cups were in the same place he would have them. He allowed familiar thoughts to re-enter his mind. The same thoughts that taunted him day and night...Sara.

_I can fail before I ever try _

He felt that it was so complicated, and yet, as simple as anything like this could be. Why couldn't they both see that? He sighed as he fixed himself a coffee and watched her from where he stood. She was so different when she was asleep, quiet, peaceful, at ease...such a stark contrast to what she was like when she was awake. He continued to watch her, wondering if it was weird of him to do so. Those familiar thoughts continued to run through his mind. He hated how things were between them, and yet he was entirely comfortable with their relationship. He'd hated rejecting her, it was such a harsh thing, rejection. Though he knew that she understood, somehow she was one of the only people in the world that truly understood him.

_Try to understand there's an old mistake that fools will make  
And I'm the king of them, pushing everything that's good away_

A startling scream ripped through the apart, almost causing Grissom to drop his cup to the floor. He quickly placed it on the table and moved to Sara's side. He gripped her shoulders and shook her, trying to wake her. She thrashed in his arms as tears spilled down her cheeks. She awoke, and looked through her teary eyes at Grissom. Her body trembled from the sobs. He pulled her into his arms and gently rocked her, trying to comfort her. He kissed her forehead and gently stroked her hair. Sara didn't move, and she didn't try to control her emotions. She let them spill, repressing them only led her to moments like this, awaking herself by her screams in her nightmares. She'd never had anybody with her when she woke up, it was comforting to have Grissom with her, holding her, soothing her.

But she knew this would only make it harder for her to convince him that she was okay...and that much harder to convince herself that she was okay. She didn't know how long it had taken her to calm down. Sometimes it took her hours, but she knew it hadn't been that long, not this time. She slowly moved from Grissom's arms, suddenly embarrassed by her position. She felt the urge to apologize, but she couldn't find her voice. She wiped the tears from her eyes, and turned to find Grissom offering her a kleenex. She couldn't help but smile. She could count on him to be there for her.

_I am fairly agile  
I can bend and not break  
Or I can break and take it with a smile  
And I am so resilient  
I recover quickly  
I'll convince you soon that I am fine _

Sara stood, trying to sort herself out. She didn't quite know how to do that, but she felt the urge to have a shower, to change her clothes, and hopefully change the thoughts running through her mind.

"You don't have to stay, I'll be fine..."

"I don't mind." He replied before she could finish.

She wasn't fine. He knew it, and she knew it. But she felt the need to say it, to insist that she was. She was never okay with being upset or distraught. Her life never allowed her to be, and she didn't want to start now. Grissom entered the kitchen to make her a coffee. She followed, and leant against the kitchen bench. She found herself avoiding his eye contact, and she didn't know why. He'd seen her again, when she wasn't in complete control of herself. He smiled as he handed her the coffee cup. She tried to return the smile but couldn't quite manage it. He frowned. And again, before he could think through his actions he moved forward and drew her into a hug. She returned the hug, and let the tears return. They stood in the kitchen for what seemed like an eternity, in each other's arms everything else faded into the background.

_Just hold me close to you, just hold me close to you  
Just hold me close to you, just hold me close to you, to you _


End file.
